Good morning, New Eden! Welcome to another *thrilling* edition of Metropolis News, where the only thing more predictable than a Goon fleet is our servers crashing. Today is August 14, 2025—or as we like to call it, 'Tuesday in Space Hell.' And what a lovely morning it is! A staggering 16,152 of you brave little sociopaths are currently logged in, ready to turn each other into expensive fireworks. Speaking of fireworks, we’ve already racked up a cool 263 pod kills today—because nothing says 'I love capitalism' like turning someone’s consciousness into an insurance claim. And the star of today’s slaughterhouse? None other than G-QTSD, where dreams go to die and clone vats work overtime. Stay tuned for more carnage—er, *coverage*—after this obligatory ad for suspect timers.
Kill Stories
In the ever-peaceful skies of Ahbazon, Genesis, a Phoenix Navy Issue—worth a cool 9.72 billion ISK—found itself on the wrong end of a 35-ship firing squad. The attackers, a delightful mix of ships including Redeemers, Widows, and even an opportunistic Astero, clearly didn’t appreciate its fashion sense. The final insult? A Panther casually strolled in with Dual 650mm Repeating Cannon II and turned that expensive marauder into space confetti. Meanwhile, in the same system but with far less fanfare, a lone Praxis decided to flex on some poor capsule pilot worth over 2.6 billion ISK. One Large EMP Smartbomb II later—because nothing says 'overkill' like nuking escape pods—and voilà: instant debris field.
PvP Overview
Ahbazon, the undisputed champion of today's bloodletting, proved once again that Genesis is just a poetic name for 'graveyard.' With 56 kills, it left Auga—Heimatar’s runner-up—choking on its own warp trail with a mere 32. Meanwhile, The Forge quietly flexed its murderous muscles as the most dangerous region overall. That’s right, folks: between Maurasi and Ahtulaima, someone clearly forgot to read the 'safety regulations' manual. And let’s not forget VR-05, where absolutely nothing happened—unless you count existential dread as a form of combat.
Mission Runner Madness
Once again, the brave capsuleers of New Eden have demonstrated their unwavering commitment to... well, shooting fish in a barrel. In the grand tradition of turning PvE into an ISK-printing simulator, today's standout slaughterhouse was 6OYQ-Z in Tenal, where a staggering 3,160 NPCs met their maker—presumably while some industrious pilot watched Netflix and occasionally remembered to hit 'F1.' Not far behind, ZA0L-U in Vale of the Silent saw 2,759 virtual lives extinguished with all the drama of a spreadsheet update. Truly, the existential dread of Sansha's Nation pales in comparison to the monotony of another ratting session. The drones must be so proud.
Market Watch
In today's thrilling edition of 'Who Actually Cares About PLEX Prices?', Jita and Rens continue their valiant struggle to outpace inflation with PLEX rising a staggering 1.56% and 2.14% respectively. Meanwhile, Amarr and Dodixie remain the poster children for stability, barely mustering a 0.9% and 0.62% change—truly edge-of-your-seat volatility. Skill Injectors, ever the crowd-pleaser, flatlined across all hubs, because why inject excitement into the market when you can inject skills instead? The biggest action? Rens, where PLEX buyers apparently woke up and decided today was the day to overspend. Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode: 'Will Anyone Notice If We Stop Reporting This?'
Miners' Digest
Well, well, well, if it isn't another week of market chaos that makes mining seem like a sensible career choice. Let's dive into the carnage, shall we? Pyerite is taking a nosedive everywhere—Jita's down 15%, Amarr's plummeting 21% (ouch), and Hek's just casually losing 16%. Someone's clearly dumping stock, or maybe everyone suddenly realized pyerite is just space gravel. Meanwhile, Isogen in Hek is having a wild party with a 15.5% surge—either someone's building a secret superweapon, or the locals discovered it's good for seasoning food. Over in Amarr, Morphite's up 12%, because nothing says 'stable market' like a mineral that swings harder than a drunken pirate. And let's not ignore Megacyte in Hek, crashing 12.9% like it just remembered it's not actually rare. Jita's being... well, Jita, with Tritanium rising a whole 1.2%—try not to faint from excitement. Stay sharp, miners, because the only thing predictable here is unpredictability.